I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Randomize
