so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
