What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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