I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
