shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
The best revenge is premature balding
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
