I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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