Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
