I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
