i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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