Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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