so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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