We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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