i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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