I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
