how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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