He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You're a waste of cheezeits
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
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