The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
