My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
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