She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
