and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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