It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
True strength comes from lack of pants
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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