thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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