made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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