sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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