I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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