someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We left an ass print on the piano.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
