im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
In other news, I just burned my penis
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
