When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
