I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize