How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
