So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Come see our sink grown plant.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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