Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
