If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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