I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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