escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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