you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
