Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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