I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize