just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
