what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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