he shaved USA in his pubs
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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