I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
