I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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