She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize