i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Randomize