two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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