I have demons in me.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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