i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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