dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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