He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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