I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
