Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
