I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
