There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
