I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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