your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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